May 22
One of my favorite things to do is stare at the sky. Not a gray sky, that doesn’t work so well. A blue sky, a stormy one or one scattered with clouds. I imagine myself high in sky, overseeing the world below me. As I breathe, I imagine that the breath I just took was air shared by another on the other side of the planet and that gives me a feeling of oneness; of being connected to everything and everyone. Read more
May 18
When we become parents we dream of fun, happy times together… sharing enriching conversation around wonderful meals, taking beach vacations together and playing in the ocean and sand, gathering often, or even just occasionally, for meaningful celebrations. We like to believe that if we do everything right – love and nurture our children – that such occurrences will flow easily, naturally and rightfully.
I have spent 30 years loving and nurturing my children, watching, reading and thinking about the Big Happy Family and have learned that it’s not at all what I thought it was. Read more
May 15
is all about commitment. My children were the ones who taught me all about it and how critical it is to sustainable health, wellness, psychological fortitude and the establishment of one’s BACKBONE – that critical element in the development of self that gives us resilience, confidence, self respect and a core internal belief that we are connected through love. Our backbone determines everything about us: how we take on the world, our curiosity, ability to try new things without fear, not give up, give unconditionally, love without fear of failure, trust and bounce back after a fall.
I believe that every woman, upon giving birth, feels a powerful biological drive to nurture and protect her newborn. If left to her own devices she will be drawn into an immediate and deep connection with her child, afterall it’s a simple preservation of the species drive. What happens to most mamas however is a rapid disconnection with their infant. Read more
May 11
Can we talk about boundaries? Everyone agrees that boundaries are important. What most don’t agree on is who gets to set the boundaries.
We all have our own sense of privacies, personal space, intrusive behaviors, etc. We all like to think we know what those are for ourselves, afterall it’s really all about what feels right and good and safe and empowered. What we never know is what another’s boundaries are. We make a mistake when we try to set the boundaries for another, especially for a child. Read more
May 8
I have been puzzling over our education system’s desire to teach history for a long, long time, since I was a child. Not just war history, but any kind of history. Basically anything that has preceeded this moment. Not because it’s boring or largely limited to dates and dry facts, but because it just doesn’t make sense to teach it. Read more
May 1
As the founder and producer of the life-altering Rethinking Everything conference, I have had lots of folks over the years tell me I am their guru. I rebel against this! Heartily! With every cell of my being I rebel (and I say so). I don’t believe in gurus, gods, worship or idolatry. I am always left to ponder why so many folks seem to want, or even need, a guru of some sort to follow, emulate, fawn over, or …. use to justify their own inability to ask within the big questions, get the deeply intimate and profound answers and live accordingly. This is my dream for everyone, to discover their own heart. Read more
Apr 27
There’s a video making the rounds in cyberspace this week, I guess because Mother’s Day is cropping up, that was done to honor the roles mothers play in the precious lives of their children. A male friend sent it to me and called it heartwarming. Of course I was eager to click and watch; I am all about mothering and think it’s the most important job anywhere. I did and I was not only appalled but physically nauseous. Read more
Apr 24
My daughter is a natural mother. She has spent a good part of her life playing with baby dolls, talking endlessly about the ins and outs of mothering, parenting and things like discipline and abuse, babysitting – and being the best babysitter on the planet – and dreaming of being a mother. She was even pregnant once at 21 and miscarried. She is now 27, visited me recently for a week, and we had lots to talk about.
One of the things we delved into was whether she still had big dreams to become a mother. She has created a life for herself she totally and completely loves: she is a business owner and loves her work, she is a roller derby queen and passionately loves her sport. She loves being in a feel-good relationship without any plans or pressure to commit herself to the future of that relationship. She is in a place of asking herself whether she is willing to give up all that she currently loves and adores to become a mother… and why she would even consider it. We spent some time dissecting this. Read more
Apr 17
What Will Become of You?
I’ve been guided to much clarity over the years to the importance of nurturing our young children’s interests – their authentic interests – not the ones we sometimes limit them to and then make them choose. As I look at my own life and those of many around me, I see so much to fascinate about.
Here are just a few stories that are fresh in my mind: Read more
Apr 10
I have had lots of opportunity to observe and contemplate touch.
I am remembering a handful of years back when my family adopted a new dog, one who was fully vaccinated for the deadly Parvo virus. We had this sweet dog for only a matter of weeks before she contracted Parvo. It is a horrible, horrible illness that acts fast on the intestinal lining, causing internal bleeding, loss of appetite and lethargy. After just one day of watching our dog deteriorate we took her to the vet, she was diagnosed, we were told that Parvo was an incurable virus and that our two choices were to have her euthanized or take her home and watch her die a painful death in less than 72 hours. Read more
Oct 19
How do you feel when the words ‘sex’, ‘child’, and/or ‘parent’ are combined in a thought or sentence? Uncomfortable? Shameful? Somehow in our culture, sexual awareness has been psychologically extracted from the rest of our existence and, when we attempt to re-assimilate it to its normal and exalted place within our lives, the voices- in our own heads and from the mouths of those around us- wield words of guilt and shame. When did ‘sex’ come to mean solely the act of intercourse? And, though childhood sexual abuse continues to be a concern for many parents, is it in our children’s best interest to ignore or manipulate their basal understanding of what feels good and right for their bodies? We can help our children understand ‘good touch’ deeply in the physical, emotional, and psychological aspects of their being easily just by doing what comes naturally to humans. This is the root of a positive self-concept, meaningful relationships, and sexual gratification. Read more
Oct 26
Do you strive to be a perfect parent? Or often have lamenting thoughts that you’re not? Barb and Sarah discuss the truths and fallacies of ‘perfect’ parenting.
Sarah:
Being in the actively mothering years of my two children, I am surrounded by mothers (and a few fathers) and children much of the time. Discussions between parents are multi-faceted but often negative. Topics range from the difficult aspects of child-rearing and children’s behavior to our own insufficiencies and regrets as parents. If parents are spending even a little time focusing on negativity, it begs the question: what are our expectations of parenting? Is there an ultimate goal for which we are striving? What does perfect parent look like? Read more
Nov 13
Barb:
I hear this word so often. People talk about how they struggle toward some accomplishment, struggle to communicate, struggle to improve and so on and on and on. Whenever I hear this word, my brain stops as I try to understand what it means. What do people mean when they say they struggle? I know that it feels difficult, but why are things difficult? I go through difficult times and situations often enough, but I just can’t relate to this word struggle. Help me out here. Read more
Nov 29
Barb:
I knew intuitively when I became pregnant for the first time, many years ago, that if my baby was a boy I did not want him to be circumcised. I didn’t have any health or medical reasons for feeling this way, I just couldn’t imagine having the top of his penis cut off – at just a few hours or days or weeks old. Hello? Really? People do this to their children?? Yowzaa, I knew I wanted no part of such a mentality, even if it meant that he would grow up with penile infections, look different from every other male and feel like a weirdo. Read more
Nov 25
Barb:
I was shopping this week for a new DVD player/Netflix streamer and was asked by the clerk helping me if I had a video game system I could use instead to do the streaming. A wave of joy and contentment and relief flooded my entire body quickly as I happily said ‘no – those days are behind me… or at least they are for the next handful of years until my first grandchild is old enough to want to play with one.’ I will enjoy those interim years, alot. Read more
Dec 2
Sarah:
I’ll admit that this was a difficult concept for me to entertain or employ when I was first introduced to eliminating praise in my relationship with my kids by Alfie Kohn’s article Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good job!” If you haven’t read it, I’d encourage you to start there. But I’d like to take it one step further. Read more
Dec 13
Photo credit: Bernard Ward
Barb:
This is unconfirmed, but I heard through the grapevine that that Duggar family is preparing for their twentieth. I watched their reality show once after hearing so much about it, and they scare me. All those orderly, well behaved kids and teens that act like parents themselves was just downright spooky. I suspect abuse of the highest order. I am not making any accusations here, just raising my haunches in suspicion. Read more
Dec 20
Barb:
I have been thinking, thinking, thinking about a story my husband recently told me about a new person – we’ll call him Bob – he met in his meditation class who has gone through a horrific experience I am having trouble making sense of.
Bob is a divorcee, having sought the separation from his wife due to their differences in sexual worldviews. Bob enjoys monogamy and his ex-wife preferred a swinger lifestyle. Bob tried it to please his wife but didn’t enjoy it. Their feelings were strong enough on this that they separated. Bob has a nine year old daughter who he shared custody with and she asked him after the divorce why he and her mom were no longer together. He was honest and explained what the issue was. Read more
Jan 3
Sarah:
Hello. My name is Sarah and I’m a recovering adultist. Before our children were born, my husband and I were the best backseat parents out there. We firmly believed that children should have a ‘healthy fear’ of their parents and intended to use the ‘wait till your dad gets home’ method of parenting. But our children kicked our intuitive selves into high gear with their births and their amazing and beautiful development and innate sense of themselves. We listened, learned, researched, talked, and acted according to this new awareness that our children were not an extension of ourselves but rather individuals who deserved and needed respect and nurturance of their independent growth. Our vision of our relationship with our children was one of mutual respect and joy. To maintain this, we knew we needed to shift our perspectives and act in a way that fostered this desire. Read more
Jan 6
Barb:
I am so happy to have discovered a life of unmitigated selfishness. It’s not a recent discovery, and in fact I raised my kids to be completely selfish too … although honestly we never talked about it quite that way.
Living selfishly is pure bliss and everyone around you benefits from it. Contrary to what we have been culturally taught about being selfish, I’ve learned that it’s actually a secret to life. In fact it might even be the meaning to life. Some of you know just what I mean. For the rest of you, here is some insight on the magical, glorious selfish life. Read more
Jan 10
Barb:
This ad I saw recently has been eating away at me. A wonderful story we recently published in our first issue of Rethinking Everything PARENT by Dayna Martin on her family bed has spurred me to chime in. Read more
Jan 13
photo courtesy of Steve Hodgson
Sarah:
Last week we published a post about the importance of being selfish. The jist was that we deserve to be happy and to seek personal fulfillment. I mentioned that not everyone in our lives may agree and I’d like to elaborate. Just as we, ourselves, may be rethinking a life of obligation, unfulfilling work, and strained relationships, there are those who do not see a way or a need to change this traditionally accepted view of living. Being happy can be perceived as a personal affront to some people in our lives and downright crazy to others. Read more
Jan 17
Barb:
When my kids were young I took one of my well worn t-shirts to an embroiderer and had “practice skepticism” embroidered on it. This was back in the days when I had no time or interest to shop for clothes, so that t-shirt got lots and lots of wear. I still have it and can’t throw it out because I feel so aligned with that guidepost.
Let’s be clear though, it’s not that I don’t believe anything or anyone, in fact trust is something that comes easily and naturally for me. So, skepticism is not a religion for me, just a guidepost. Read more
Jan 24
Barb:
It’s time we had an honest, heartfelt conversation about compassion. Yes, that warm and fuzzy, touchy-feely word we associate with goodness… NOT. Compassion is not those things. Compassion is mostly disabling and dysfunctional.
Not to throw the baby out with the bathwater here, compassion is a natural and probably useful feeling for the hopelessly and terminally ill, the hopelessly depressed aged and abused children too young to take charge of their lives. In all other cases it really doesn’t serve us or the recipients we feel compassionate toward. Read more
Jan 27
photo courtesy of Mike Baird
Barb:
When my kids were kids, as young as 3 to 5, it bugged the hell out of me when they would do what I said. Ok, go ahead and read that again.
Oh sure, I was happy enough when we’d all finish eating, for example, and I’d say please bring your plates to the sink and they would do it. The easy stuff. What really got to me was when I would ask them to do something, like clean up their toys or their room or help me with a chore or go brush their teeth and … I could sense immediately that they did not want to do what I had asked them to do … and they would begin to do it anyway, despite what their feelings were about it. THIS is what bugged me. It felt like abuse to me. I know how I feel when someone asks me to do something I don’t want to do … and I certainly don’t want to do it just to please them (doing things to please others because it feels good is a completely different type of act). Read more
I have been daydreaming… about daydreaming.
I have long been aware that many of my most creative insights, profound intuitive thoughts and lightbulb moments occur when I completely let go to the wide open space of nothingness and do that thing called … daydreaming. Read more
Mar 2
my husband and I during our early years together
I overheard someone use this phrase (again) today, and my skin crawled as it always does when I hear this or a sister expression like she wears the pants in that family, he is henpecked, be a man and let them know who is boss. Yuck to all of it. Read more
Mar 6
I’ve given gobs of thought to this thing we revere called intelligence. We all want it, right? We want it for our kids, certainly. Very few people in any walk of life, when asked, would not claim to be intelligent. It’s in the eyes of the beholder afterall, right? Read more
Mar 13
Are you jealous? Do you feel discomfort when your partner develops a bond with another or when your child prefers the company of another over you? Do you feel envious when a friend achieves exuberant success or lands a welcome windfall of money, love or opportunity? We live in a world that not only views jealousy and envy as commonplace, but natural and a part of life. What’s up with that? Why is discomfort so accepted and supported? Read more
Mar 16
Is there anyone you love? Do you know what love is, what love feels like? In my world, to love authentically and deeply is to give completely with everything you are, your whole being, your heart and mind… and never ask for anything in return. Never ask the object of your love to give you something in return. Read more
Mar 20
In our fucked up (civilized) world we have come to believe that we can be both (good? great? the parent you want to be?) parent and employee/business owner/worker bee. No, we cannot. It is impossible. Oh sure, we can go through the motions. We can work at a job, whether at home or elsewhere for hours a day, collect or generate income, have children and … hire a nanny/ babysitter/ day care to parent them when we’re not around. A whole lotta people do it so it must work ok, right? Incorrect. How did we ever come to think this was not only feasible but actually beneficial for us, for our children, for our families? Read more
Mar 23
Cloth or paper? The great diaper debate.
a guest story submitted by Sheila Cameron
Many parents ponder which is better. It wasn’t until I read the history of diapers in Today’s Parent article Diaper Dance (Sara Cassidy, Feb, 04) that I asked, “What about neither?” I was intrigued by the notion that diapers didn’t always exist and that they are not used in many countries around the world today. Before this point I had merely accepted them as normal. Read more
Mar 30
Eating To Save Our Lives. A Guest Blog Story.
submitted by Kelli Bailey
I developed a malignant breast tumor when I was 37 and pregnant with my fourth child. If that hadn’t happened, I would not be enjoying my incredible new role as a coach enabling other parents to raise their children as healthy, heart-centered, independent thinkers.
How it Began
Life was stressful enough for my husband Chris and me in the summer of 2007. We had just sold our home and closed my daycare business, most of our belongings were in storage and our family of five was living in a 600 square foot apartment while we searched for a new home. In the midst of all that, we were driving for eight hours both ways every two weeks so that I could continue receiving pregnancy care from my beloved obstetrician.
That was when I received the diagnosis. Read more
Mar 27
Everything – every single thing – we do or think takes energy. Easy to see… right? Everything we do or think releases energy. Sure, of course – you can see that. When you are in a good mood, for example, others around you can tell – they can feel it. Likewise, when you are crabby or angry, those same others know it, and you don’t even have to say anything.
The energy of yes and no also carries energy. When you ask for help and someone responds with yes it feels good. When they say no it feels not so good. Likewise, when someone asks you for help, for example, it feels good to say yes, partly because you can tell that it makes them happy but also because it feels good to help. If you respond with no, you know the recipient feels less than good and you probably feel less good than if you’d said yes. Mostly though, the shared energy that comes from the recipient of the yes is enough for everyone to feel good.
I am always puzzling over why parents say no to their children. Read more
Connecting Telepathically
A Guest Story by Sandra Moore Williams
Last year I had a chance to fly to Tennessee from Texas to see my new grandbaby, who was then five months old. I had been unable to be there when she was born, but my daughter Heather’s mother-in-law and sister-in-law had descended like angels onto the household to help her manage for the first month. I was most grateful and so was she.
As we planned my trip, my daughter warned me that little Mira would let no one hold her except her momma. Not even her dad. So I decided to try getting acquainted telepathically before I arrived.
About two weeks before the trip, I sat down and reached out to her in meditation. I introduced myself as her grandmother and visualized a picture of myself so she would recognize me. In the ensuing two weeks, I spoke to her daily mostly in mental pictures, and reminded her who I was and that I loved her and was coming to see her. I visualized her in my arms and loving her. Read more
Apr 3
Vaccination & Immunization Rethinking
When my first child was born at home 29 years ago in the peaceful and nurturing surrounds of our own private universe, the thought of shattering his world with painful and intrusive vaccinations was abhorrent to me. Of course I wanted to safeguard him from the ails that vaccinations purportedly protect us from. I just didn’t want him to experience pain he did not understand. I am a researcher so I went to work, reading everything I could find on the history and science of vaccines and on what it means to be immunized. Read more
